Failure - it's a part of life. But dang it stings.

Whether small or large, failures can hit pretty hard. They can knock the wind out of us and make us question everything from our Scrabble-playing abilities to our careers. 

Failure is on my mind this week more than usual. Likely because last week I was rejected from two literary journals (which I truly admire), missed out on a competition, and didn't achieve a research grant I had spent weeks (and a chunk of money...) applying for. To say I felt crap at the news of these failures is an understatement. I felt like trash.

But here's the thing, even if I feel like trash I know that I am not trash. My ego is a little bruised, my heart a little sore. But failure always makes me think back to something I memorised back in my undergrad days: failure means I've tried.

And it's true! To fail you have to have tried in the first place.

There was a good chunk of time where I wasn't submitting my work anywhere, wasn't 'putting myself out there'. So by extension I also wasn't failing... but I wasn't achieving either. Failure right now is an indicator that I am throwing my hat into that ring. That I have belief in myself. And while failure could potentially throw me in the opposite direction, I choose to believe in myself even harder. Because, why not? Why not champion myself. Why not celebrate the failures as a sign of effort, energy, and creativity?

Failure is also a sign that you are learning. Why on earth would I expect myself to be perfect at everything I try? Why, when mistakes have been the foundation of learning since... forever? As my friend's lovely kiddo said the other day, 'I grew my brain... because I made a mistake'. Mistakes and failure mean growth. That is, if we are kind to ourselves when failure occurs. If we view it the way this wonderful kid does.

So, after these 'failures', I had a quick sulk (it's healthy to sulk a little I'm sure)  and then made a chocolate cake. Then I read a few chapters of a favourite book. Then I posted about the failures online (because I'll be damned if I become part of the aggressively success-orientated spaces of academic Twitter and Instagram). Then I took a deep breath and moved on. Submitted another piece of work. Crossed my fingers and toes. Knew that if this one is a 'failure' too that I will be A-OK. That I have backed myself and my work yet again - and that that is a beaut thing.

Have you failed at something lately? How did you view that failure? How might you view it if you see it as your 'brain growing'?

Until next time, friends!

Marina

(she/they)

P.S. If you read my previous newsletter about 'gratitude lists' you might also be interested to know that I also keep a list of everything I submit my writing or work to... and then the failures/rejections as well as the successes/acceptances. It's a great way for me to see how hard I'm working, no matter the outcome. I recommend doing this if you want to be like 'damn, I'm proud of me'.