When It’s Not About You
One of the hardest things to learn in a people-facing business is this:
Sometimes the reaction you’re getting… isn’t actually about you.
I see this a lot on the support side of what we do. Someone writes in frustrated, angry, sometimes outright harsh. Early on, I used to take that pretty personally. I’d replay the message in my head, try to defend it, try to “win” the interaction.
But over time, I started to notice a pattern. Quite often, it had very little to do with me.
Maybe their sink just flooded.
Maybe a client no-showed on them.
Maybe they just had one of those days where everything stacks up.
And I just happened to be the person on the other end of the message.
So now, when that energy comes in, I try to do something different. I stay calm. I slow things down. I don’t match the intensity. I don’t give the situation anything to push against.
And interestingly, when you do that, most people deflate on their own.
More than once, I’ve had someone come back later and apologize. Not because I proved them wrong, but because I didn’t escalate things. I just helped them through the problem they thought they had.
I think there’s a version of this that shows up behind the chair too.
You can do everything right: the consultation, the communication, the execution, and still end up as the villain in someone else’s story. Not because you failed, but because something didn’t land the way they expected, or because they needed somewhere to put that disappointment.
That doesn’t make it fair. But it does make it human.
Of course, there’s a line.
There’s a difference between someone having a bad day and someone consistently bringing bad energy into your space. And part of becoming a professional is learning to recognize that difference.
You can be patient.
You can be kind.
You can de-escalate.
But you also need to respect yourself.
Not every client is a fit. Not every situation is fixable. And not every relationship is worth holding onto if it consistently drains you.
I’ve learned that we can help people with problems — that’s part of the job.
But we don’t have to accept disrespect as part of the deal.
So when something like this happens, I try to remind myself of two things:
First: don’t take it personally. It’s often not about you.
Second: don’t lose yourself trying to fix something that isn’t yours to fix.
Stay steady. Do good work. Protect your energy.
And let the noise pass through.
Cheers,
Stephen
